How do You Know You're Ready for Change?

Photography: @iragib

At what point do you know you belong somewhere? Is it meant to just “feel right”, like a parent describing to their post-pubescent, suddenly horney child the feeling they had when they met their spouse? Wait until it just “feels right”, you can’t describe it but you somehow you “just know”. Part of me thinks I’m a go-with-your-gut kind of person, but when I really break it down, I realize that I’m the person who has to break down whether or not they posses the characteristics of a go-with-your-gut kind of person. So I think we can safely say I don’t fall into that category. The semester has come and gone, as you know, and I’m in yet another period of transition. I know I want to go home, but I also know that I don’t want home to be only one physical place anymore. This has become another branch of home for me; the trains, the lanes, the people. So, do I come back? Do I take the major leap of moving here without the training wheels of university? I know I could manage it, but I have to accept at some point that this is my life, and that I’m not playing make believe anymore. Yes, up until this point I do, to a certain degree, feel like I’m playing a big game of make believe in the playground of my life, just like I did in my basement with my sister and cousins all those years ago. The retro home gym equipment/jungle gym has been swapped out for vintage stores and burlesque classes, and the soundtrack has come along way from the High School Musical CDs. It was brought to my attention recently that nostalgia is dangerous, but I think growing up too much is even more lethal. Though I feel more comfortable now in thrifted mens dress shirts and ankle length trench coats, the girl who saved up her now obsolete pennies to collect Harry Potter tee-shirts is right under the surface. And if you know me, you'll know it doesn’t take much to lure that girl out into the open. So, if I’ll never change, only evolve, and home doesn’t change, only grows, then why hold myself back?

 

Yesterday my friend helped me perform the, in my eyes, terrifying procedure of an at home hair die job. I’m now several shades darker, and catching myself slightly differently in the mirror. I know I’ll get used to it, as I always have with my ever-changing locks. But for now, I’m in love with the excitement of something new. What an exhausting life it would be if we were constantly searching for new things to hold our attention. That’s the thought I had this morning. As I type it out now, I can’t help but roll my eyes at my own stupidity. That is exactly how we live our lives and it is perpetually exhausting and wonderful. Sure, satisfaction creeps up on you unexpectedly every now and again, but within moments we become on edge once more, craving something else to bring upon another fleeting, content moment. 

Does the altering of my entire life apply to this pattern just as much as the sudden urge to by a load of sheet masks or change your hair to a slightly different shade of grey? Maybe the motivation stems from the same urges, I’m not too sure. All I hope to figure out is whether or not I desire this potentially life-jumbling decision simply to appease my eventual boredom. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s exactly what it should be. Why not make big changes so as to keep yourself from accepting the norm? I love it when talking to you, whoever you are, helps me to understand the world around me. 

Thanks for reading.

- Emily 


What you see in this post:
Trench Coat - London Fog
Scarf - & other stories