I'm an Introvert. Here are some things I've learnt about that.

Photography: Rob Chapman

Photos taken all over beautiful British Columbia. 

The term whirlwind cannot begin to describe the last three weeks of my life. Never before have I felt so perpetually exhausted while simultaneously the happiest I've felt since I came home from England. The idea of learning so much about yourself in such a short period of time once seemed juvenile to me, but now I know just how quickly your emotions and well-being can shift and wobble. Backstory time; With just over a month remaining of my time in England I met someone who has become incredibly special to me. And though we hadn't known each other long, and most of the time we've known each other has been spent separated by borders, I invited them to come visit me here in Canada. Adventure awaited. 

Those two incredible weeks have come and gone now, and I feel compelled to tell you all about what I learnt in that time. To put things in perspective, I'd never hosted anyone before, I'd never been a tour guide, I'd never introduced basically everyone I know to a complete stranger and I'd never spent so little time alone. News flash: I am an introvert. That's what I want to talk to you about today. 

For most of my teen years I thought being introverted meant you were anti-social, shy, and never wanted to leave the house. It may have been an extreme outlook, but what else do you except from a teenager? I also knew that I was never drawn to big crowds. House parties and bush parties (it is Canada, after all), never appealed to me. Somehow the two got confused in my mind. I wasn't shy or quiet in school or at dance, but I didn't want to do most things my peers deemed as "fun" or "social". So was I an introvert, or was I just boring? Maybe the two weren't mutually exclusive in my mind. The point is, I didn't know what being an introvert actually meant, and I thought there was something wrong with me. 

Eventually I learned to enjoy going out with friends and meeting new people. Now I know that the proper dosage of socializing is thrilling, it's okay not to do it all the time and it's okay to want to go home early. When you're a host, on the other hand, you're already home, and everything you know how to handle in moderation is surrounding you at all times. When this was the case for me, I found it extremely difficult to explain the suffocating feeling inside me without fear of offending anyone. This might be a given, but taking that necessary recharging time alone when you're introverted becomes almost completely useless when you're ridden with guilt for taking even a few minutes alone. No one in my life was attempting in any way to make me feel guilty, it was all internal. Part of me blamed the time constraints of my situation; I only had two weeks to create an incredible, memorable trip for someone who had hopped continents to be here. Then again, if I look back on nights out, when I allowed myself to be pressured into partaking, I would always hear the same case being made in my head: You're only in college once, you'll regret it if you don't take advantage of the weekend, or if you don't go to this party, or if you don't stay just one more hour. 

The question I've been asking myself lately is; What's so wrong with missing out sometimes? Sure, it's different when someone is relying on you for entertainment. That requires an introvert like myself to simply communicate my needs to my loved ones, not feel guilty for wanting to take a bit of healing alone time within the chaos, and truly soaking up those moments when they come. When it comes to real life, however, what are the real consequences for missing out or saying no? The absence of a new tagged Instagram photo, perhaps. Maybe a few happy moments spent with friends, or the opportunity to meet someone new. If you ignore the sass in my Instagram dig, these are undeniably positive things, but what makes them special for someone like me is there irregularity. Maybe you live for those moments, and for you they're not just moments, they are your source of energy. You're probably an extrovert, and that's great. But regaining energy in solitude and finding happiness in your own company is just as great. That's what I've learnt. 

I'm suddenly reminded of one of my favorite scenes in the show Big Mouth. Young Andrew and Nick are going to a sleepover, and Andrew whispers to his friend, "I know we're not doing bed time, but maybe we could sleep in shifts. I'd hate to loose my Saturday". 

Watching this particular episode with friends spurs on a multitude of jokes about Andrew being my "spirit animal". I have to say, I agree, but not with the same embarrassment I would have once felt when admitting shamelessly that I am an introvert, I am a creature who craves the comfort of lonesomeness, and I too would really hate to loose my Saturday.

Thanks for reading. 

- Emily