I'm angry at myself for not posting in such a long time! But I know that I always feel better once I've done the thing I'm putting off. I'm not really sure why I've been putting it off.. Weird. Anyway, today I wanted to talk about new surroundings (as you can probably tell from the title) because I've just finished re-decorating my room. It took two weeks of work and tons of help from my family but it's finally done and I couldn't be happier. Now, I didn't choose to re-do my room just for the fun of it..
Do you ever connect a bad memory to the place that it happened? Well I do. For the past few years I have been struggling with anxiety and having panic attacks. My anxiety came from a bad experience when I got really sick and since then I have been terrified of getting sick again. I know that this isn't an un common thing but it's still awful, frustrating and scary. My old room and I had a very love hate relationship. Sometimes crawling into my bed would help me to feel better (I would continuesly get bad stomach aches) however I went on this tangent of about four months where every single night I would wake up not feeling well and would sit there shaking from head to foot. You may think it to be weird that I would ever want to stay in the bed that I had so many scary memories in, but changing, for me, symbolized pushing myself to move on and not get scared anymore. This, I thought I was incapable of doing. It was a constant battle with myself between being scared and being angry that I was letting myself go through this. It seemed like I was wasting my years away and that nothing would get better. It wasn't until my birthday 2013 that I finally snapped. I put so much pressure on myself to be alright on my birthday that I ended up the worst I've ever been. I had the biggest panic attack I had ever had, it made the other ones feel like nothing. I thought I was going to have to kill myself to make it stop. I thought life would never go on after and I would just be stuck in this state forever. It lasted for about six hours and I felt sick and didn't sleep for the next week. My parents wanted to take me the hospital but I couldn't talk so I just screamed at them, hoping they new that that meant NO.
Looking back now I feel so stupid for wasting all that time. Of course I still get into a sate of panic once in a while, but it doesn't control my life anymore. After my birthday, my parents made me go to counselling and it really did help. So now to bring it back to the topic of my room, I look at my new surroundings as the new me, and as me moving on with my life.
I have no idea if you can relate to this, but thank you for reading until the end. My point for this post was not to make you feel bad for me, but to make you think about changing yourself. If there is something you really want to change, I promise you won't regret trying. Maybe it will make you a happier person! Or maybe, like me, it will change your life.
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